Today's wedding may look much like those celebrated in previous generations, but behind the big event are changes which challenge old assumptions about wedding etiquette:

Wedding expenses

Traditionally, the bride's family pays for most of the wedding, the groom's family hosts the rehearsal dinner, pays for the bride's flowers and the officiant's fee.

But now, both families may share the expenses of a wedding. The bride's family may pay for the reception space, the groom's might cover flowers and catering, and the couple pays for the rest. Three out of 10 couples pick up the entire cost themselves.

But don't ask guests to contribute to the cost of the wedding. That includes setting up a cash bar or valet tipping.

Ceremony

Couples exchange customary vows, embrace traditions and music in a religious setting in the traditional ceremony.

Now, even in a formal ceremony, the couple may modify the wording of their vows - such as replacing the word "obey" with "cherish" - incorporate parts of two religions and include ethnic traditions to represent each family's heritage.

Don't make your guests uncomfortable with vows that are too personal or racy.

Invitations

The traditional formal wedding invitation is engraved in black script on white or off-white stock, placed in an inner unsealed envelope. Reception information appears on a separate enclosure in the same typescript and paper. A similar response card can be included, but a handwritten reply is still expected. Information about hotel accommodations and directions to the events should be mailed separately.

For semi-formal weddings, custom-designed invitations, created either by a stationer or on the couple's home computer, are appropriate. Colored ink and paper and response postcards also are appropriate. Maps and hotel information, printed on the same paper stock and typeface as the invitation, may be mailed with the invitation.

For a wedding with fewer than 50 guests or one that's less than a month away, the couple can send handwritten notes or e-mail. Guests can phone or e-mail their responses to these.

Whichever form you use, don't use a computer or a typewriter to address the envelopes. The address should be calligraphed or in the couple's own handwriting.

Registry

In the traditional mode, the bride and her mother will visit the local department store to register for such things as china and sterling flatware. Guests learn about the registry by word of mouth.

But now a couple might go to the department or specialty shop to register for a wide variety of gifts, from crystal to cars. Or they might register online from home or office and post their list on a gift registry Web site. Whatever the mode, don¹t put registry information on wedding invitations or as enclosures with the invitations.